Unquiet Desperation
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Author Topic: Why the new Indiana Jones film will RULE!  (Read 9999 times)
keysersose
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« on: May 11, 2008, 10:12:42 PM »

Sat here watching Temple of Doom, I've had an epiphany. The new Indy film will rule. It'll kick the lily-livered butts of all other movies this year. It doesn't matter how bad it is, it doesn't matter if the plot sucks donkeys, it doesn't matter if Harrison Ford looks past it, it doesn't matter if we get Phantom Menace Lucas instead of A New Hope Lucas - this film will rock with its cock out.

Why? What is the reason for my messianic certainty? Simple...

Indy has FISTFIGHTS.

I'm fucking sick of going to the movies and having my sanity assaulted by limp, shitty, identikit martial arts moves. Doesn't matter what the genre, who's fighting or the period the film's set (ancient Rome, Victorian England, the streets of Baltimore, the planet Wankstain in the far future), every cunt fights like the bastard child of that smackrat dwarf Bruce Lee. Stupid kicks, idiot punches, jumping about like they've got St. Vitus' dance.

NO! FUCK THAT! I want real fights, fights that MEN have. I want these screen brawlers to knock the crap out of each other till their knuckles are mashed to a bloody pulp, the loser unconscious in the gutter, the winner stepping over his inert form into a bar where he hammers down glass after glass of hard liquor before going out to wreak more havoc upon his doomed opponents.

I refer you, fight fans, to Indy's fight with the german airman (played by that man mountain Pat Roach, who once wrestled Giant haystacks to a double disqualification) after escaping the snake pit in Raiders of the Lost Ark. A rumbustuous back-and-forth tear-up that only ends when the kraut gets his head minced by a whirling propellor. They don't make 'em like that any more.

And none of you morons had better try to make a case for any of those shitty martial arts movies like House of Flying Bollocks - overrated crap. Superhero films for Guardian readers (or, for our American cousins, PBS listeners). I give the finger to them and all that like them.

The new Indy film will rule! It will have FISTFIGHTS!

Keyserrrrr.
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Ploe
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2008, 10:48:38 PM »

Yes! That's the dose of shit hot passion we need.

I too am sick to the back teeth of highly stylised IQ munching crap! Look at the rave reviews that "300" got last year, I watched around five minutes of it and my guts are still hemorrhaging NOW! What we need are real men, the sort who cut down trees with boy scouts and crush rocks with their glutes. We need men that can fall from high building, brush themselves off and go deflower a wench. We need men to stop writing shitty films about fairy boy puffs dancing around with swords in bullet time.

Wow, I'm so pumped I've got to go find something to headbutt! I'll be back shortly.
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Vix0r
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2008, 11:10:26 PM »

Why not men in dashing flouncy shirts, bouncing about having epic sword fights and looking sexy with their eyebrows?

Yes, let us have that.... Please.
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Will
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« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2008, 04:07:57 PM »

I'll bet my life savings it will have some dumb, irrelevant love story/attraction involving Indy and the latest Hollywood starlet (for the sole purpose of attracting a larger audience Roll Eyes)...just like all major Hollywood POS blockbusters.  It will suck regardless of the quality of the fight scenes.  Thank you $$$.
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Vix0r
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« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2008, 07:26:46 PM »

I liked the humour in the Indie films, and the bit with the old noble Knight guarding the Jesus cup. Also the fact that in one of the games if you typed in a cheat you became a 3D Guybrush in Barbary Coast.
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~vxn~
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2008, 02:23:13 AM »

i was in love with indy.  temple of doom was always my favorite, sure it came out when i was 5--but hell, it was a masterpiece.  (much like legos and play-doh.) 

i can't wait--even if it does suck.  i love a good fist fight. 
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Ploe
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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2008, 09:26:14 PM »

Perhaps this is a call for The Unquiet Desperation Semi-Annual Bare Knuckle Boxing Contests. Boy I'd love to watch them... The Bolshevik Dandy VS JB, Ploe VS dare euthanasia, Vix0r VS everyone and boy crikey it'll be a good one. Heh heh  Grin
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Vix0r
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« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2008, 09:36:16 PM »

Hey, I've been on best behaviour recently! =p
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Ploe
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« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2008, 05:35:39 PM »

keyser, once you've seen the new Indy film, be sure to tell us your reckoning of the whole ordeal, alright?
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~vxn~
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« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2008, 09:07:01 PM »

indeed.
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Mr. Goldberg
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« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2008, 01:02:48 PM »

Quite.
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The Bolshevik Dandy
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« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2008, 01:20:18 PM »

This bare-knuckle idea sounds most appealing,but surely Plore it won't just be one on one battles-it must be a series of gaunlets culminating with a goode and bloody battle royale!!!

Count me in!!!
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Vix0r
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« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2008, 03:12:20 PM »

When I saw the advert the bit that got me interested was not the mighty battles and explosions and treasures, it was that bit when they were going over the waterfall and Indy yelled something. Can't remember what it was but it was rather trivial, something like "put it in reverse!".

Films have too much flare about them, too many explosions, too much emphasis on danger and adventure, it was nice to see he was still a character too.
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Mr. Goldberg
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« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2008, 01:15:48 PM »

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!!
This service brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood UD Editor! Now back to Mr. Goldberg's message...


I understand it's got a heavy UFO element in it. (Oi Voi don't get me started Conspiracy theory number 965....
that our powers that be ar financially encouraging the likes of Independence Day, X-Files, War of The Worlds, Indiana etc. to get us psychologically prepared for the big event....over to PLOE
« Last Edit: July 08, 2008, 05:40:27 PM by Editor » Logged
Mr. Goldberg
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2008, 03:58:30 PM »

UD Editor...EXPLAIN YOURSELF....What is a spoiler alert and why am I being accused of it Huh?
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Vix0r
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« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2008, 04:20:22 PM »

A spoiler alert warns readers that parts of the plot may be given away if they read on. It's so if they don't want to know yet they know not to read it.

I think it was because you mentioned about... the things beginning with "U". Not the greatest spoiler ever mind. =p
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Mr. Goldberg
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« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2008, 04:36:38 PM »

Oh I see . Sorry Vixor. Sorry Ed. I haven't actually seen it myself yet but will do. I'd like to see Iron Man too. He was my fave Marvel Super Hero for some reason...
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Vix0r
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« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2008, 05:07:22 PM »

No need to apologise, sometimes I like the odd spoiler. I'm one of those who sometimes just needs to know *now*. Rather impatient, me.
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Will
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« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2008, 06:49:18 PM »

Maybe keysersose didn't like it... Huh
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Vix0r
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« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2008, 09:51:57 PM »

The spoiler alert of the film?
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Ploe
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« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2008, 12:44:18 AM »

I'd like to see Iron Man too.

Your Uncle Barney used to like hard men didn't he?
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Will
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« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2008, 04:41:07 PM »

The spoiler alert of the film?

Just the film.  He's been hushed since the OP of this thread.
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The Bolshevik Dandy
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« Reply #22 on: July 12, 2008, 09:18:22 AM »

Once after rehersals Tim and I where discusiing how fucking terrible it was going t'be.
Some old,ex-roadie-ex-Han Solo strutting his arthritis riddled stuff among the obvious plot holes and cliches.
No thanks sir,give me Rebel Without A Cause,anyday!!!
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Come Slowly Eden.
Mr. Goldberg
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« Reply #23 on: July 12, 2008, 10:45:28 AM »

I'd like to see Iron Man too.

Your Uncle Barney used to like hard men didn't he?

Hard men. Soft men. Big men. Dead Men. Uncle Barney wasn't particular. "What's a man ?" he'd often say to me,
"A man's only as good as his last day's..." and that was his last breath...most times anyway.
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keysersose
Ernest Hemingway
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« Reply #24 on: September 04, 2008, 11:53:24 AM »

Maybe keysersose didn't like it... Huh


Apologies Will! I've been otherwise engaged these past weeks, but hopefully I'll be able to spend a little more time around here now.

As for the film, I liked it. Yeah, it has plot holes a mile wide, yeah, there was a bit too much FX rather than the Harrison-Ford-doing-his-own-stunts feel you got from the others, and yeah, there was no Pat Roach...



...but the main thing was it made me feel ten years old again. For once I actually *enjoyed* a film in that wide-eyed, go-Indy-go way that I haven't in a long time. Perhaps it was a pale shadow of even Last Crusade, but it was a fuck sight better than the rest of the adventure guff on offer now, the crap where every twat knows martial arts and the soundtrack's so ridiculously heavy and impenetrable, full of guttural, snorting guitar riffs and even less comprehensible vocals, that it could have come from the IPod of a 13-year-old posh boy.

Just shows the contemptible nature of today's action stars (and I make no apology for my love of bovine action movies... what right thinking person doesn't love AH-NULD shooting Sharon Stone in the head shouting 'CONSIDAAAH DIS A DEE-VUSS!) that a Harrison Ford that's spent the last fifteen years coasting through films so out of it he's like a dope dealer from a Cheech and Chong movie can come back and make it seem like they're all just poor facsimiles of his swashbuckling self.

The only problem with it all is that bearded buffoon Lucas is already talking about Indy 5, with Shia LeBeouf's character in the lead role. You have to hand it to George, he's nothing if not thorough. He's absolutely trashed Star Wars, so now he's moving onto everyone's favourite archaeologist.

What a cocksucker.

Keyserrrrr.
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